There are many ways I could grow as a ministry dad. But alas, the Lord has not made us able to focus on very many things at the same time. So, here are two ways I’d like to focus on growing this year, based on wisdom that I’ve gleaned from other dads.
The first comes from some wise counsel I once received from a lay elder at our sending church. This brother works a full-time job at a car plant, but also regularly meets with members of the church for counseling and pastoral care. He and his wife also seem to have another new baby every time we go back to visit the US. Needless to say, they have their hands full. I once asked him how he balances these family and ministry commitments that often compete with one another. I found his answer extremely helpful.
“Once I’ve shared that I need to sacrifice some family time after work to care for a church member, my wife and I then agree on what time I’ll be back home. Then, the most loving thing I can do for my family is to keep my word and to be back when I say I will be. This allows my wife and family to share with me in the good sacrifice that I’ve been called to as a pastor, and prevents bitterness against the ministry from growing because they know I’ll be home when I say I will be.”
This pastor’s serious commitment to keep his commitments to his family is how he’s able to also lead them well in a sacrificial ministry lifestyle. It makes sense. How can a wife or family count the cost of a certain sacrifice if they’re never exactly sure what that cost is going to be? Or if a certain cost is agreed to, only to be repeatedly shifted later on? “Sorry, I know I said I’d be home at 7, but…” This is a great way to undermine trust and make space for bitterness to grow. On the other hand, if the cost is made clear (as much as is possible anyway), and the family knows from experience they can trust that dad will be home when he says he will be, that allows them to embrace that cost in a more healthy way and to more easily feel that they are genuinely top priority in dad’s heart. Yes, dad has a role that requires he regularly sacrifice some family time. But he demonstrates his care for us by reliably keeping his word.
Very wise, very practical, and very powerful.
The second way I want to grow has to do with something I want to get back to telling my kids more often. Research and experience have shown that ministry kids, whether missionary kids or pastors kids or others, tend to grow up ingesting the same sort of idea about themselves in relation to their parents’ work, even if their parents’ hearts or lives don’t necessarily correspond to that idea (though, sadly, the lives of some do). That idea is that their parents’ work is more important than they are.
I’m convinced that this belief is so prevalent and so harmful that it needs not only to be refuted in terms of lifestyle but also regularly refuted directly and verbally. As others have said, kids are wonderful observers, but terrible interpreters. We parents need to directly help them interpret what is actually happening in our hearts and lives when the ministry work seems to so often take priority. Again, ministry kids, across the board, tend to observe their parents lives and to come away with the internal message that they do not matter as much as the work does.
What might this kind of direct interpretation look like? Well, at bedtime or mealtimes or even randomly throughout the day, saying things like,
“Remember, you are more important to me than my work is.”
“Even though this is a really busy week, you are always a higher priority for me than my ministry is.”
“Do you ever feel like my work is more important to me than you are? Well, I want you to know that is not true. I would give it all up for your sake if that was what was needed.”
This is different than saying, “I love you.” It’s very possible for ministry kids to hear their parents tell them every day that they love them and to still feel like they are less important than the ministry. They genuinely believe that their parents love them. It just looks to them like their parents love the work even more.
Now that we’ve been back in Central Asia for a year and a half and the pace of our work seems to be significantly ramping up again, I want to get back to saying things to my kids like this more often. Several years ago, when we left the field for a couple of years for the sake of our family’s health, this became a major theme for us. I even wrote a poem for my kids and other parents about this (I’ll include it below). But I recognize that in the past couple years these direct sorts of statements have fallen a bit by the wayside. This year, I hope to bring them back.
I believe that these two things, this one practice and this one affirmation, will make me a better ministry dad in 2026. I welcome your prayers that I would grow in these areas: in keeping my commitments to my family and in explicit affirmations that they are, after God, the most important thing in my life.
If there are any other ministry dads out there (or working dads in general) that would be helped to grow in these areas as well, then I hope that this post might be an encouragement to you as well. Let us strive to keep our commitments to our families. Let us strive to affirm and tell them that they are more important to us than our work or ministry is. And in these ways, let us fight for the hearts of our children.
Here is the poem I mentioned earlier, written for younger children and so that any busy working dad or mom might read it for their kiddos, ministry parents included. You’ll notice that there are some verses, such as verse 6, that contain language getting at the particular costs of the missionary lifestyle.
May this next generation of ministry kids grow up knowing that their dads keep their word, and that they are indeed more important in their parents’ hearts than the ministry is.
My Work Is Never More Important than You
Papas and Mamas have much work to do
The deadlines are many, the hours are few
The bills must be paid and mouths must be fed,
But I’ve got a secret that needs to be said
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
At times, yes, I love all this work that I do
It’s important and needed, and helps people too
It can’t fill my heart though, way deep down inside
The way that you can – you’re my real joy and pride
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
Sometimes my work starts to make me feel bad
And at dinner I’m quiet and not very glad
But even when work means my forehead is scrunched
I haven’t stopped loving you ever so much
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
At times I may shoo you right out of the room
“I’m on a work call!” I might gesture or boom
And though I seem bothered, or though I seem mad
That very same moment, my insides feel sad
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
On my days off we can rest, laugh, and play!
But sometimes my work still shows up to invade
A text or an email can pull me away
Interrupting the fun we were planning that day
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
My work might cause changes, like leaving our home
And saying goodbye to the friends we have known
I know that these changes can cost you a lot
And how they affect you weighs deep in my thoughts
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
If I had to choose between my work and you
The choice would be clear as a cloudless sky blue
I’d surrender my job and give up my career
For the sake of the ones I hold so very dear
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
Someday you’ll be big and have work of your own
And projects to do and calls on your phone
Yet when it comes to your kiddos, the same will be true
And you'll say to them, just as I’m telling you
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
Papas and Mamas have much work to do
The deadlines are many, the hours are few
Bills must be paid and mouths must be fed,
But I’ve got a secret that needs to be said
Hear this deep down now and know that it’s true
My work is never more important than you
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Entrusted to the Dirt 